Conversations with Your Aging Parents About Organizing and Downsizing for the Future

By Jennifer Raftis, CPO® - Published in the Lamorinda Weekly, October 6, 2024

Jennifer Raftis and her mom, Pat Cox

October 6, 2024

As our parents age, the conversation about downsizing can become a necessary yet sensitive topic. For many elderly individuals, the thought of leaving their longtime home and parting with cherished possessions can be overwhelming. While not all seniors need or want to downsize, it’s important to start planning for the next chapter, having conversations that will approach this topic with sensitivity, empathy, and practicality. This subject is particularly personal to me as my mother (my favorite person in the entire world) and I had to have this conversation just a few years ago.

Here’s a guide to help you and your parents navigate these important discussions.

Timing

Timing can be crucial when bringing up the subject of downsizing. It can be helpful to choose a time when your parents are relaxed and not preoccupied with other stressors. Avoid discussing this topic during holidays or family gatherings, which can already be emotionally charged. A quiet, private setting where everyone feels comfortable will facilitate a more open and honest conversation.

Understanding

Begin the conversation by acknowledging the emotional weight of the situation. Recognize that downsizing can feel like losing a part of their identity and past. Express your understanding of their feelings and reassure them that you’re there to support them through every step of the process.

Benefits

Highlighting the benefits of downsizing, focusing on the positive aspects is very important. If they are downsizing to move, talk about how a smaller, more manageable space can lead to less maintenance, lower expenses, and increased safety. It can even give them a chance to be closer to family, friends or medical facilities. A retirement community can be a social game changer for your parents (especially if they don’t drive).

Collaboration

This conversation is the starting point of what your parents want and need at this stage of their life. Are they having health issues, physical or mental? Are they aware of their issues? Maybe the adult children are starting to get concerned but the parents are not seeing the problems. Again, timing and sensitivity are the key factors here.

Options and Solutions

If the children are concerned about the safety of their parents remaining in their home alone, starting a solution based conversation is helpful. Some of the topics could cover their health care needs, transportation and social needs going forward. Are they still able to drive to medical appointments? Do they need some sort of medical alert fall device? Do they want to remain in their home or move to a community? There are solutions for both that can be discussed with patience and emotional support. Listen to their concerns, validate their feelings, and be prepared for moments of resistance or sadness. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel emotional and that you’re there to help them navigate their decisions whether they choose to stay in their home or to downsize and relocate.

Seek Professional Guidance

A Certified Professional Organizer® (CPO®) can help with move management details, consignment/donation options, floor planning and hauling as well as sorting through all items in the home. I have been in many situations that involve working with the adult children and their parents as a neutral third party who can ease emotional burdens.

If your parents decide to stay in their home, you can have an agency come and assess the safety aspects of the rooms and can offer solutions for aging needs, such as ramps, grab bars and fall alert systems. California Department of Aging - These services are provided locally by the Area Agencies of Aging (AAA), Medi-Cal Community Based Adult Services (CBAS), www.aging.ca.gov

See the Worksheet: Home Safety Checklist (PDF, 251K) for suggestions to help you identify and remove hazards around the house. Keep in mind that it may not be necessary to make all of the suggested changes. It is important, however, to reevaluate home safety every so often as needs change.

Are you worried that making changes might be expensive? You may be able to get help paying for repairs and safety updates to your home. Check with your state housing finance agency, social services department, community development groups, or the federal government for financial aid programs and discounts. You can also visit the Eldercare Locator or call 800-677-1116 for help finding resources.

If your parents decide to move to a community, there are agencies that will take your parents to several communities to visit in person. I have been working with Bryan at Care Placement Advisors for 8 years and he is amazing, Bryan Riddle at bryan@careplacementadvisors.com. Another great local agency that serves the Bay Area is Exceptional Senior Placement owned by David and Rachel Cohen, you can reach David at david@eseniorplacement.com.

Conversations with your aging parents require a balance of empathy, patience and practical support. By approaching the subject with sensitivity and collaboration with the decision-making process, you can help them navigate this significant transition with confidence. Remember, the goal is to ensure their comfort, safety and happiness as they embark on this new chapter of their lives.